I need to move on….fully
Its insane how a little tiny thing can get you thinking so much. And then you start to over analyze everything from it. Thinking of the path you’ve chosen, and if all the moves were in the right direction. Then you start playing the “what if” game. “What if i did this, or what if i had chose that.” I’m a firm believer in things will happen the way they should, as well as creating my own path. I never regret anything; because really, why should anybody do so? I just live, learn, and move on. But there’s ONE thing that I havent been able to move on from completely. Even though I’m ok, I’m fine without what I’ve lost, but I still think about it a lot. And still quite often wish they were still in my life.
Im sure your first thought that its about a girl, but surprisingly it’s not. I’ve been fine on my own. (Please keep that in mind. I’m not alone, I’m just on my own.) But really it’s about my old best friends. It’s really lame how I just thought of this right now in the middle of the night, I feel like such a girl sometimes.
So I checked my “who unfollowed me” app on twitter as I usually do every other day or so. And there it was. The last person of the very small circle of old best friends that was still following me on twitter. It then hit me that I was still hanging onto them. A LOT. Because it kinda devastated me to be quite honest. They were the ones that were there WAYYYYYY long before I ever even thought of or tried doing music. They were my BEST friends ever since I was 9, and two of them since we were 5. And They have slowly dwindled ever since the beginning of twitter about 2 years ago and one by one they unfollowed me. (keep in mind by this time we weren’t talking or hanging out anymore so online internet connection was the last thing holding us together) I dont think social networks make real friendships and thats ok. We dont have to be FB friends or be following each other on twitter just to be friends in real life. To be honest there’s friends I have that are annoying as fuck on twitter/fb so I unfollow/unfriend and ITS OK. Because they’re just online social networks. Because when we hang out every once in awhile in real life, that shit doesnt matter. Its about the time that we have/share together and the bonds that we make that are real. So why does this recent unfollow bother me so much you ask? Because it’s the fact that we lost that “real life” bonding a looooong time ago and all I had left was the social networks as a thin string that kept our lives together. It was the last person within that circle that maybe still informed the rest of them of whats going on with me. And I guess that ugly feeling just consumed over me when I saw that tonight. You know that feeling of “Well, thats it. They dont care anymore” and it sadden me.
I almost feel like I care more about this issue than any girl I’ve ever been with. Because after all this time it still kinda eats me up that we’re not friends anymore. That we dont hang out anymore. That we dont talk anymore. That I have none of their numbers anymore. That we dont even have lame social network to connect us. We have nothing anymore. And going from having the best friends there for me 24/7, 52 weeks a year, for years since I was 5 years old to hear me bitch and complain and pull me through shit to having that taken away has been something that has taken me a lot of time to adjust/be ok with.
I know I’ll eventually move on, I’ve thought too much about this countless times and perhaps this will be the last post of it all. Maybe I’ll take down the self portrait drawing we did of our each other when we were 13 off my wall for good…
